Let Me Share My Heart

This journey has been so personal for me. On the outside I am trying to get healthy and fit. On the inside I am conquering self defeating thoughts and emotions. I didn't become 245 lbs because I loved food and hated working out. I lost control when I allowed the outside world to get inside me.

I allowed my trials to take control of my life. I allowed the failures, rejections and pain to define me. I used food to numb myself and hide from what I thought was a cruel and scary world. I dreamt of breaking free. I fantasized about what it would be like to love myself.

There were days when the pain was so intense and the fears were so unbearable that I wanted to become invisible. I wanted to disappear from this world. Year after year I became more and more submersed in my dark little world. I put on masks to hide what I was truly feeling from the world.

Although people thought I was strong and happy. I was falling a part on the inside. I hid the thoughts of suicide and depression beneath layers of fat. I didn't want to draw attention. I didn't think I was good enough to be loved or acknowledged. My self worth was wrapped up in what others thought and did to me.

If I was being rejected then why should I accept myself? If I was not worthy to be loved by others then why should I love myself?

Then one day I decided that I had to take control of my own life. No one else could love me and accept me if I couldn't love and accept myself. No one could make me happy and turn my dreams into reality. I had to make them happen on my own. I had to learn how to make myself happy.

That is when I started doing a lot of soul searching. I remember asking God to show me who I was. I didn't understand how someone like me could be so significant when everyone I had ever loved had turned their backs on me. Why was I worthy of life? Why was I still alive after going through so much?

The questions where answered when I allowed my heart to speak. The wounds began to heal when I allowed the truth...the spirit to speak louder than my emotions. I had to learn how to quiet my mind and be still in what seemed to be an emptiness that only my tears could fill.

For years I cried over the pain. I allowed the circumstances of my life to define me. I became a supporting role in the story of my life. I let others dictate my happiness, self worth and dreams. Then one day I woke up and decided to take the lead role.

I became aware of my worth. I began to strip away every label I had placed on myself. I realized that I was not a helpless victim. I was a powerful and strong woman that didn't have to settle. I had the power to overcome every thought and every emotion and bring it under subjection to the spirit.

I was free because I was loved by God. I didn't need anyone elses approval in order to step forward and walk towards my destiny. I could do it on my own. I didn't need someone to validate me and tell me what I was worth. I was everything that God wanted me to be. I was prepared and equipped to fulfill my role in this world.

When I became aware of my true identity I then began to make the necessary adjustments to my life in order to reach my goals. I say adjustments because I learned how to adapt to my circumstances. Some things that I wanted to change couldn't be changed until I was ready for them. I had to learn to live in harmony with my life. I had to learn to allow God to take control of my life. I had to learn how to walk by faith.

I believe that their is a time and place for everything. While we are busy making plans for our lives God is fulfilling His will. We can't work against the flow of life. We have to learn how to stay surrendered and open. We have to be willing to adapt and change when the seasons come.

Those are things that were so hard for me because I always wanted to be in control. I felt that if I had things under MY control then I could avoid being hurt and disappointed. I wouldn't put myself in situations that might allow me to fail. I wouldn't take risks. Honestly, I wasn't really living. I was just trying to survive.

Funny how I tried to control my own life but yet I was so out of control. My weight, my health, my finances and my relationships were all falling apart. When I decided to surrender that is when I began to truly gain control. I was able to gain control of my emotions which once held me captive. What once had me bound is the key that set me free.

I now understand that the struggle is what unlocked my passion, my identity, my dreams and my desires. I wouldn't have understood how powerful I truly am unless I endured something that challenged me. Every adversity we face creates an opportunity. What we choose to do with the opportunity is up to us. We can allow it to define up, bind us and limit us. Or we can use it to strengthen us, awaken us and set us free.

What are you doing with your opportunities?