Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Faith- Part 1

I finally mustered up the courage to get a tattoo I have been wanting for a while. In reality I think it was all about perfect timing. For those of you that know my story you understand that I have gone through a lot in my life. For those that don't know let me just share some of my story. This is in no way a pitty post but rather a way to show you the significance of my tattoo.

Without getting into all the details I will just say that I endured physical and emotional abuse as a child. I didn't have a stable, nuturing upbringing which left me insecure, frightened and dealing with feelings of abandonment and rejection. I remember having feelings of sadness and loneliness rush over me like a wave. I didn't understand these tidal waves of emotions but I knew I didn't want to deal with them anymore.

In my early adult years I found myself dealing with many issues that I didn't know how to control. I figured if I signed up for the military I would be able to become the strong woman I wanted to be. A woman that can stand on her own and believe in herself. I felt that if the Marines could break me down and build me up stronger I could handle anything that came my way.

Well that never happened because at the age of 20 I decided to get married to my high school friend. I was in love and all my dreams for the future were wrapped up in him. He became my life...my reason for breathing. I felt that he could mend the wounds of my heart and I would never have to feel pain, loneliness or depression again.

After a year of marriage we welcomed our first child, a daughter. Our white picket fence dreams were starting to come togehter as we settled into our new house with our new little family. Life was good until postpartum depression took over my life. I didn't know what was wrong with me but every emotion I had several years ago came back with a vengance and I wasn't the only one feeling it's wrath.

I took out my emotions, my pain and sadness on my husband. I didn't want to be touched, affectionate or loved. I was so lost in a dark world of insecurities and pain. I couldn't even find the courage to look at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted with myself. I was an emotional wreck. I didn't want to be intimate with my husband and when I did try the physical pain was excrutiating.

After the birth of my daughter I decided to go on birth control and get a shot every 3 months. This shot was like a death sentence. I didn't understand the affects it would have on my body and my emotions. Intimacy became so painful and I just couldn't do it anymore. So I closed shop. Not only did I shut my body down but I also shut off my emotions.While I don't blame myself for what took place next I do know I was a part of the problem.

A few months later my husband confessed that he had an affair. He had no choice but to tell me because the affair resulted in a pregnancy. Just as that white picket fence went up it came down even faster. Every dream I had for our future was broken. While I was determined to pick up the shattered pieces of our life he wasn't and we found ourselves living a part.

I couldn't change him but I could try to change myself. I could try to pick myself up and keep moving but it became hard just to breathe. There were days when all I wanted to do was sleep and hide from the world.  I felt that everyone knew about what had happened to me as if I had a big red "X" on my chest. I started to use food to deal with pain. I began to hide myself and my problems beneath layers of fat.

It was my way of blocking out the world so that I couldn't get hurt anymore. It was a way of numbing the pain and drowning out the noise in my head. The truth of the matter was that the more and more I tried to hide and numb myself the further an further I buried my true identity. Rather than use the pain to strengthen me I allowed it to define me and conform me.

The next few years were filled with several attempts to break free but instead I buried myself further in the pain...................little did I know this became my coccoon of transformation.

To be continued............