I have been MIA from blogging for over a month now. I had lots to blog about but didn't feel the motivation to do so. I kind of wanted to go through my issues privately. I also had such bipolar emotions going on that I didn't want to scare anyone. :)
For those of you that follow my blog you know that I have had a rough last few months since my mom became disabled. It has been very challenging and overwhelming to care for her and try to still live my own life. Her needs have overshadowed mine and I have kind of gotten lost in the shuffle.
I have been dealing with some pretty heavy emotions and I wasn't sure how to deal with them. Although I know God and have faith in Him things where getting pretty intense in my life. I was going to a place that I wasn't sure how I was going to get out of. I knew I didn't want to be there but wasn't sure how to find the light in such a dark place.
Over the last few months I haven't been consistent with my workouts or eating. You can kind of say I have been all over the place. Between my full time job, training clients, being a mom and taking care of my mother I have been really busy. Honestly I really haven't been too motivated to be active and take care of myself. I kind of have just been on autopilot. Just trying to survive day to day.
I share all of this not so that you have pity on me but to show you that I have my struggles too. While I try to be encouraging to others I often find myself without motivation. I sometimes find myself struggling to find hope in tough situations. I am just keeping it real.
I know I can overcome every adversity through the power of God working in me but sometimes I just feel like giving up and drowning in my sorrows. It's just the truth. There are days that the burdens seem so heavy I don't know if I can handle them.
As things started to feel heavier and heavier I decided that I needed to find a way to gain control again. While I may not always have the ability to control the things that come in and out of my life I do have the ability to control how I handle them. I can control my emotions, make the best of my situation and find purpose in the pain.
That is what I did. I decided to take an even deeper spiritual journey within. I am in a place that is very new to me. I have talked a lot about the power of our thoughts but never really fully explored that revelation until recently.
I have started a new journey in my life that I am very excited about right now. I am learning how to release the chains that have bound me for so many years. I am learning how to accept who I am and love it. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I am learning to see myself in others and overcome my trials with conscious compassion.
Life may not always be easy but it ALWAYS has purpose. The more you struggle to understand the less power you have to fight through it. The key to surviving your adversities is to surrender them to God. To find the purpose in your pain and use the oppositions as opportunities.
While these last few months have been some of the most challenging of my life I am confident that God has been with me every step of the way. He has taken the trials and helped me to triumph. I have learned so much about myself and others.
I have found that we often hide ourselves beneath the pain rather than allowing it to bring us up to the next level in faith. The pain might be an uncomfortable thing to deal with but we can't try to ignore it. It surfaces in our lives for a reason. So rather than trying to shut it up with food, relationships, addictions or others things we must learn to be present with it.
We must learn to give it room to breathe. We must let it teach us....make us more conscious and aware of the power that is within us. The end of your comfortable life often marks the beginning of a life full of miracles. It points you in the direction of your healing and opens you up to love. LOVE is the substance of all blessings!
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Faith- Part 1
Without getting into all the details I will just say that I endured physical and emotional abuse as a child. I didn't have a stable, nuturing upbringing which left me insecure, frightened and dealing with feelings of abandonment and rejection. I remember having feelings of sadness and loneliness rush over me like a wave. I didn't understand these tidal waves of emotions but I knew I didn't want to deal with them anymore.
In my early adult years I found myself dealing with many issues that I didn't know how to control. I figured if I signed up for the military I would be able to become the strong woman I wanted to be. A woman that can stand on her own and believe in herself. I felt that if the Marines could break me down and build me up stronger I could handle anything that came my way.
Well that never happened because at the age of 20 I decided to get married to my high school friend. I was in love and all my dreams for the future were wrapped up in him. He became my life...my reason for breathing. I felt that he could mend the wounds of my heart and I would never have to feel pain, loneliness or depression again.
After a year of marriage we welcomed our first child, a daughter. Our white picket fence dreams were starting to come togehter as we settled into our new house with our new little family. Life was good until postpartum depression took over my life. I didn't know what was wrong with me but every emotion I had several years ago came back with a vengance and I wasn't the only one feeling it's wrath.
I took out my emotions, my pain and sadness on my husband. I didn't want to be touched, affectionate or loved. I was so lost in a dark world of insecurities and pain. I couldn't even find the courage to look at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted with myself. I was an emotional wreck. I didn't want to be intimate with my husband and when I did try the physical pain was excrutiating.
After the birth of my daughter I decided to go on birth control and get a shot every 3 months. This shot was like a death sentence. I didn't understand the affects it would have on my body and my emotions. Intimacy became so painful and I just couldn't do it anymore. So I closed shop. Not only did I shut my body down but I also shut off my emotions.While I don't blame myself for what took place next I do know I was a part of the problem.
A few months later my husband confessed that he had an affair. He had no choice but to tell me because the affair resulted in a pregnancy. Just as that white picket fence went up it came down even faster. Every dream I had for our future was broken. While I was determined to pick up the shattered pieces of our life he wasn't and we found ourselves living a part.
I couldn't change him but I could try to change myself. I could try to pick myself up and keep moving but it became hard just to breathe. There were days when all I wanted to do was sleep and hide from the world. I felt that everyone knew about what had happened to me as if I had a big red "X" on my chest. I started to use food to deal with pain. I began to hide myself and my problems beneath layers of fat.
It was my way of blocking out the world so that I couldn't get hurt anymore. It was a way of numbing the pain and drowning out the noise in my head. The truth of the matter was that the more and more I tried to hide and numb myself the further an further I buried my true identity. Rather than use the pain to strengthen me I allowed it to define me and conform me.
The next few years were filled with several attempts to break free but instead I buried myself further in the pain...................little did I know this became my coccoon of transformation.
To be continued............
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
WOWZERS!
Last week was week one of my pinup photo shoot prep. Let me just say it didn't go as good as I planned. I didn't get all my cardio in and I ate some things I should have eaten. Hey, I am human I know but I can't use that old excuse anymore if I want to transform into a new me. :)
This week is going lots better but still not able to get the AM cardio in yet. I have been really exhausted and my body is taking long to recover. So I decided to order some supplements today to help me out. I am not a big advocate of supplements but I think they are much needed right now. My body is taking a pounding and I need to make sure my body is getting what it needs to support my level of activity.
Sunday I did an upper body circuit and lots of jump rope and plyometrics. I had to combine 3 days of workouts into one. I don't recommend doing that but I had to feel like I was making progress so I did it. I was super exhausted though for the rest of the day.
Monday I did my lower body circuit at the gym and managed to get about 45 minutes of cardio in as well. I ate well but didn't stick exactly to the meal plan because I didn't go grocery shopping. I still ate clean though. I bascially ate tuna from a can all day. :(
Tuesday I did my upper body circuit at home and jump roping and plyometrics to get my heart pumping. I can't even repeat what I did becasue I always make up crazy intense workouts on the spot. LOL!
I am really enjoying working out with a bunching bag I have in my backyard. I do several things on it and with it. I jump over it. I squat down and pick up one end and throw it up and catch it and squat back down. I do burpees on it by placing my hands on it and then doing a pushup at the bottom of movement. I also use it as my bench when I am lifting weights.
Yesterday I did a combo move that went like this: lay on back and do chest press them sit up and stand up curling dumbells and then transitioning into a shoulder press. Then reverse the move and repeat again. Ummm yay I tried this on my second circuit and could only muster up 10 of them with my 20 lb dumbbells. I was already depleted by then. :)
This week is going lots better but still not able to get the AM cardio in yet. I have been really exhausted and my body is taking long to recover. So I decided to order some supplements today to help me out. I am not a big advocate of supplements but I think they are much needed right now. My body is taking a pounding and I need to make sure my body is getting what it needs to support my level of activity.
Sunday I did an upper body circuit and lots of jump rope and plyometrics. I had to combine 3 days of workouts into one. I don't recommend doing that but I had to feel like I was making progress so I did it. I was super exhausted though for the rest of the day.
Monday I did my lower body circuit at the gym and managed to get about 45 minutes of cardio in as well. I ate well but didn't stick exactly to the meal plan because I didn't go grocery shopping. I still ate clean though. I bascially ate tuna from a can all day. :(
Tuesday I did my upper body circuit at home and jump roping and plyometrics to get my heart pumping. I can't even repeat what I did becasue I always make up crazy intense workouts on the spot. LOL!
I am really enjoying working out with a bunching bag I have in my backyard. I do several things on it and with it. I jump over it. I squat down and pick up one end and throw it up and catch it and squat back down. I do burpees on it by placing my hands on it and then doing a pushup at the bottom of movement. I also use it as my bench when I am lifting weights.
Yesterday I did a combo move that went like this: lay on back and do chest press them sit up and stand up curling dumbells and then transitioning into a shoulder press. Then reverse the move and repeat again. Ummm yay I tried this on my second circuit and could only muster up 10 of them with my 20 lb dumbbells. I was already depleted by then. :)
For a few years now I have been dealing with a foot problem. I think this is what I have http://www.livestrong.com/article/3319-need-plantar-fasciitis/. My heel feels extremely bruised when I do too much walking, running or jumping. I could barely walk down my stairs last night. The pain was so intense.
I feel the need to see a foot doctor now because this prevents me from doing a lot of the activities I want to do like run and jump rope. :(
So that is a little recap of what I have been doing lately. I am doing lower body today and 1 hour of cardio so will fill you in on Friday. :)
Thanks for checking on my journey!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Getting It Done
Monday was my lower body day and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. This programs circuits are actually easier than my programs circuits. The only hard part is getting the cardio done. I haven't had the time to do AM cardio sessions because of my schedule. I tried to do all cardio at night but I am super exhausted and only do 30 min instead of 75 minutes.
Tuesday was upperbody and it was pretty intense since I have to do 20 reps of each exercise back to back. I tried to fit my workout in before my 8:30pm client and managed to finish right on time. Then I completed 20 minutes of high intensity cardio right after my client. I didn't leave the gym til 10pm. I am really slacking on the cardio part but it will get better.
My eating has been spot on. I did eat dinner late last night because of my schedule but it was just fish and spinach salad so it was light enough to eat right before bed. I actually feel really good but almost had a break down yesterday after I made my daughter some stuffed crust pizza. I wanted some so bad but fought it. I did have a tiny slice which is not on my plan. I am still proud of myself though because I would have normally devoured about 5 large pieces. :)
I had a thought last night while driving home from the gym. I tend to get really overwhelmed when I have a lot on my plate. I get into the mentality that if it's too hard I can't do it. I also prepare myself to fail before I even start. I almost skipped my cardio last night because it was already late and I knew I had to be back at the gym at 6am for my client. BUT I pushed through it. I said "How bad to you want this?" I realized that I can't have an old way of thinking and expect new results.
Tuesday was upperbody and it was pretty intense since I have to do 20 reps of each exercise back to back. I tried to fit my workout in before my 8:30pm client and managed to finish right on time. Then I completed 20 minutes of high intensity cardio right after my client. I didn't leave the gym til 10pm. I am really slacking on the cardio part but it will get better.
My eating has been spot on. I did eat dinner late last night because of my schedule but it was just fish and spinach salad so it was light enough to eat right before bed. I actually feel really good but almost had a break down yesterday after I made my daughter some stuffed crust pizza. I wanted some so bad but fought it. I did have a tiny slice which is not on my plan. I am still proud of myself though because I would have normally devoured about 5 large pieces. :)
I had a thought last night while driving home from the gym. I tend to get really overwhelmed when I have a lot on my plate. I get into the mentality that if it's too hard I can't do it. I also prepare myself to fail before I even start. I almost skipped my cardio last night because it was already late and I knew I had to be back at the gym at 6am for my client. BUT I pushed through it. I said "How bad to you want this?" I realized that I can't have an old way of thinking and expect new results.
"You must first learn a new way of thinking before you master a new way to be". ~Marianne Williamson.
I decided to shift my way of thinking. I have to think like an athlete. They put in hours and hours to achieve the results they have. They do what ever they have to do to accomplish their goals. So if my schedule requires me to be in the gym late at night I will do it without a thought. I can't automatically think that I am going to get run down and sick like I always do. My mentality has a lot to do with the outcome of my situation.
I also realized that I have to remember who is fueling me through this journey and what my motivation is. I can't lose sight of my goal. If my eyes stay on the prize I won't get distracted with the cares of the world. My goal is to be FIT FOR THE KINGDOM. I want to inspire others to be their best.
God's word says " But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." according to Matthew 6:33. This means that I must do this for God and seek to be in right standing with Him. As I bring my body under subjection (in alignment...discipline...obedience) with the spirit I will reach my goals.
As I continue to take steps of faith towards my goal God will add success in my life. He will empower me with His grace, strength, and wisdom. I will fulfill my goals, dreams and desires because I am powered by His spirit.
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26
All things are possible when we rest in God and trust in His perfect plan for our lives. Therefore I surrender and allow His spirit to carry me to the finish line. This is His body and I will glorify Him with it.
"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."
1 Corinthians 6:20
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Starting My Journey Again
Let me just keep it real. I am not perfect. I am sure you all know that but I don't know that. :) Of course I know I am not without flaws but I always try to have everything together. I strive on being well organized and being in control of things in my life. Well the last few months have really taken me for a loop. I have had to juggle being a mom, taking care of my mom, working a fulltime job, and starting up my personal training business.
The last few months have been nothing short of CRAZY. I knew that if I didn't get a grip and start finding a way to fit in ME time I was going to get burned out. So like I mentioned in my recent post I hired my cousin to help me reach my personal fitness goals.
I was not able to start the program last week like I had planned because I got sick. I didn't want to further run down my immune system so I took it easy. I did try to eat as clean as I could but I didn't workout. I actually learned something amazing. You can lose weight by just eating clean....LOL! I know that is not rocket science and I preach it all the time but I came to my own realization this week.
I weighed myself this moring and lost 5lbs so far. That has been the missing key in my journey. Being consistent with my food and not just trying but actually doing. I can't say I am going to try to eat clean. I must do it. So I know the only way to get this done is to be prepared. Being prepared by having my meals ready to grab n go and eat will ensure I am staying on track.
I also found time to work out by mapping out days and fitting myself into the open slots. I know this may seem extreme to some but the only way to succeed is to plan. Have you ever heard the saying "If you fail to plan...you plan to fail"? Well I don't want to fail so I am planning for success.
I have always wanted to inspire and motivate others to live their best life. I know many of us are busy with life but not truly LIVING. We get caught up in the day to day responsibilities and wake up one day and realize we lost ourselves. We failed to pursue our dreams and walk in the fullness of God.
I decided to do this for all the women that put themselves last. For those of you that nurture the dreams of others but let yours die. I want to prove that you can still be a busy mom and accomplish your goals as well. With a lot of work and faith anything is possible.
I will be documenting my journey as much as I can so you can see how I manuever my way through this new path I am on. I know I will reach my goals this time because my mind is set on success and I am not backing down.
The last few months have been nothing short of CRAZY. I knew that if I didn't get a grip and start finding a way to fit in ME time I was going to get burned out. So like I mentioned in my recent post I hired my cousin to help me reach my personal fitness goals.
I was not able to start the program last week like I had planned because I got sick. I didn't want to further run down my immune system so I took it easy. I did try to eat as clean as I could but I didn't workout. I actually learned something amazing. You can lose weight by just eating clean....LOL! I know that is not rocket science and I preach it all the time but I came to my own realization this week.
I weighed myself this moring and lost 5lbs so far. That has been the missing key in my journey. Being consistent with my food and not just trying but actually doing. I can't say I am going to try to eat clean. I must do it. So I know the only way to get this done is to be prepared. Being prepared by having my meals ready to grab n go and eat will ensure I am staying on track.
I also found time to work out by mapping out days and fitting myself into the open slots. I know this may seem extreme to some but the only way to succeed is to plan. Have you ever heard the saying "If you fail to plan...you plan to fail"? Well I don't want to fail so I am planning for success.
I have always wanted to inspire and motivate others to live their best life. I know many of us are busy with life but not truly LIVING. We get caught up in the day to day responsibilities and wake up one day and realize we lost ourselves. We failed to pursue our dreams and walk in the fullness of God.
I decided to do this for all the women that put themselves last. For those of you that nurture the dreams of others but let yours die. I want to prove that you can still be a busy mom and accomplish your goals as well. With a lot of work and faith anything is possible.
I will be documenting my journey as much as I can so you can see how I manuever my way through this new path I am on. I know I will reach my goals this time because my mind is set on success and I am not backing down.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Where Do "I" Fit In?
Things are still really hectic on my side of the world. I am managing well but haven't had the time to work on my personal body transformation goals. It is a little frustrating but I am ready to try to make some things happen NOW.
I have big goals for myself. I don't want to just finish losing weight but I want to achieve my goals of being lean, toned and fit. I admire bodies like this. Amazing thing about it is that the woman in the picture is also my cousin. :)
Here name is Cynthia Gonzales and she is a bikini competitor. She also helps women transform their bodies. So I recruited her help. She has officially customized a meal plan and workout plan to help me reach my goals and transform my body.
While I am excited to start I am not sure how to fit myself into my schedule. The workout program requires me to put a lot of time towards my training. I have AM and PM cardio session as well as weight training. It is a bit crazy but I have to find time to make it happen.
So over the next few months I will be dedicated to reaching my personal fitness goals and if time permits I will be blogging about it as well as making videos to document my journey.
I am still uneasy about sharing my before pics though. Let me just tell you I have a LOT of work ahead of me. I know that is why the program was designed as intense as it is. :) BUT I love intensity so I will commit myself to giving it 100%.
I am not just doing this for myself but also for my clients. I want to continue to inspire them as I achieve my goals. They really look up to me because I understand where they have came from. So this transformation means a lot to me. I want to help push them to reach their ultimate body transformation goals.
That is all for now. I have to get back to work. I also have to figure out how I am going to manage this intense but satisfying schedule of mine. :)
Thanks for reading. If you want to know more about my cousin and her services here is a link to her Facebook page.
Here name is Cynthia Gonzales and she is a bikini competitor. She also helps women transform their bodies. So I recruited her help. She has officially customized a meal plan and workout plan to help me reach my goals and transform my body.
While I am excited to start I am not sure how to fit myself into my schedule. The workout program requires me to put a lot of time towards my training. I have AM and PM cardio session as well as weight training. It is a bit crazy but I have to find time to make it happen.
So over the next few months I will be dedicated to reaching my personal fitness goals and if time permits I will be blogging about it as well as making videos to document my journey.
I am still uneasy about sharing my before pics though. Let me just tell you I have a LOT of work ahead of me. I know that is why the program was designed as intense as it is. :) BUT I love intensity so I will commit myself to giving it 100%.
I am not just doing this for myself but also for my clients. I want to continue to inspire them as I achieve my goals. They really look up to me because I understand where they have came from. So this transformation means a lot to me. I want to help push them to reach their ultimate body transformation goals.
That is all for now. I have to get back to work. I also have to figure out how I am going to manage this intense but satisfying schedule of mine. :)
Thanks for reading. If you want to know more about my cousin and her services here is a link to her Facebook page.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Hello!
It's been a long time since I have blogged. I have had a lot going on the last few months. As some of you may know from my previous blog my family went through a lot recently. I am still dealing with my mom's issues. She has not fully recovered from the accident she had at my house.
We are not sure what is going on. She has had test after test and they can't seem to understand why she has weakness on the right side of her body. My assumptions are that she either has a pinched nerve in her back or neck or she had severe trauma to her brain.
Since she was already not well from her bout with a brain tumor several years ago it is possible that the fall just set her back further. I am not sure but it has been a very frustrating and trying time in the lives of myself and my 2 brothers.
My mom is currently unemployed and has no medical coverage so she has received little to no help. We are having to take turns caring for her. On top of that we each still have to find a way to deal with our personal lives. We each have jobs, families and relationships that we must try to maneuver around.
It's been really crazy for me since I have a child I must also take care of and try not to interrupt her life too much. I don't want her stressed out about stuff. I also need to make sure I am spending time with her and trying to keep our lives as normal as I can.
I am also trying to build my personal training business which is getting a little hectic. I have a full time job as well so I have to juggle training session before and after work and in between the days I have to care for my mom.
I almost put my dreams to the side until my friend had a talk with me. She told me I couldn't do that. I had to learn how to step back from trying to be a hero and let someone else take part of the load. You see I am the kind of person that wants to make everything perfect and take care of everyone. In the process of that I tend to put my needs to the side and lose myself.
I found myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown trying to figure out how everything was going to work. I had to let go and trust that God was in control. I had to allow my brothers to grow up and take their responsibilities serious. I couldn't take on the world on my own. As much as I wanted to I just couldn't.
So although my life has been pretty hectic I am grateful for the lessons I have learned over the past few months. I am learning how to step back and trust God. I am learning how to appreciate the little things because you never know when they might be taken away. The most important lesson is learning how to live my life fully. I have to realize that each moment whether I see it as "good" or "bad" is meant to teach me something.
I can't be concerned with the why's and how's I just have to trust and believe that everything in my life has a purpose. It is all for God's glory and I can't put my hands in it. I have to surrender my heart and walk this journey conscious of my place in this world.
Things may not always be how I want them to be but they are perfect according to God's plan. So as I continue to walk this path He has laid before me I will move by faith being confident that this work HE started in me He will finish. Not just to transform my life to save the lives as others.
We are not sure what is going on. She has had test after test and they can't seem to understand why she has weakness on the right side of her body. My assumptions are that she either has a pinched nerve in her back or neck or she had severe trauma to her brain.
Since she was already not well from her bout with a brain tumor several years ago it is possible that the fall just set her back further. I am not sure but it has been a very frustrating and trying time in the lives of myself and my 2 brothers.
My mom is currently unemployed and has no medical coverage so she has received little to no help. We are having to take turns caring for her. On top of that we each still have to find a way to deal with our personal lives. We each have jobs, families and relationships that we must try to maneuver around.
It's been really crazy for me since I have a child I must also take care of and try not to interrupt her life too much. I don't want her stressed out about stuff. I also need to make sure I am spending time with her and trying to keep our lives as normal as I can.
I am also trying to build my personal training business which is getting a little hectic. I have a full time job as well so I have to juggle training session before and after work and in between the days I have to care for my mom.
I almost put my dreams to the side until my friend had a talk with me. She told me I couldn't do that. I had to learn how to step back from trying to be a hero and let someone else take part of the load. You see I am the kind of person that wants to make everything perfect and take care of everyone. In the process of that I tend to put my needs to the side and lose myself.
I found myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown trying to figure out how everything was going to work. I had to let go and trust that God was in control. I had to allow my brothers to grow up and take their responsibilities serious. I couldn't take on the world on my own. As much as I wanted to I just couldn't.
So although my life has been pretty hectic I am grateful for the lessons I have learned over the past few months. I am learning how to step back and trust God. I am learning how to appreciate the little things because you never know when they might be taken away. The most important lesson is learning how to live my life fully. I have to realize that each moment whether I see it as "good" or "bad" is meant to teach me something.
I can't be concerned with the why's and how's I just have to trust and believe that everything in my life has a purpose. It is all for God's glory and I can't put my hands in it. I have to surrender my heart and walk this journey conscious of my place in this world.
Things may not always be how I want them to be but they are perfect according to God's plan. So as I continue to walk this path He has laid before me I will move by faith being confident that this work HE started in me He will finish. Not just to transform my life to save the lives as others.
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